The Journey to Understanding Love
For a long time, love was an abstract concept for me, and I had no idea what unconditional love could be. Coming from a pragmatic and analytical background, I found it difficult to give love the weight it deserved in my life. I could feel it at times, especially in the early days of my relationship with my wife and the birth of our children. There was an undeniable beauty in these moments, but understanding and truly feeling love remained elusive.
I expressed love through providing for my family, making life as comfortable as possible, and spending some time with them. However, at some point, I began to feel trapped by the duties and responsibilities of being a father. The concept of love through material provision and duty began to wear thin, and I couldn’t understand it anymore. I felt drained and unfulfilled, despite my efforts. I could feel that there was something beyond giving and providing.
This led to a period of deep introspection and change. I realized that my mental approach to love, focused on duties and providing, was flawed. During various retreats, including plant medicine journeys and solitary time in darkness, I experienced a profound sense of unconditional love. This feeling was new and strange to me, but it was also a teaser of something I needed to remind myself.
Discovering Unconditional Love
Through hard work and clearing old beliefs, I discovered two loves in my life. The first was unconditional love for my wife. After years of ups and downs, I now feel a deep, unconditional love for her that doesn’t require effort or thought. It simply exists, I feel it, and I am immensely grateful for it.
The second love (or maybe this one should be even in the first position?) I discovered was for myself. For a long time, self-love seemed like science fiction. I was harsh on myself, always striving to prove my worth and never feeling enough. But through this journey, I began to accept and love myself, being grateful for who I am. It’s still a process, as my mind sometimes struggles to accept it and sometimes challenges it, but this love is now a part of my life.
This newfound love extends to my children and everyone around me. While there are moments when my mind reverts to old patterns, these are temporary. I always return to my state of love and compassion. This is the reward for all the work I’ve done over the years, transitioning from a structured, mental approach to a feeling of unconditional love.
I now feel the beauty of the universe, the logic behind the loves that surround us, and the experiences that have brought me to this state. The process has made me stronger and more understanding. I wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything, and I am deeply grateful for the journey that brought me here.
For some, this may seem abstract, but it is a real, internal change. My approach to life has been rewired, and the universe now responds in a softer, more guiding way. I feel unconditional love for my wife, see my children’s love for me, and am learning to express my love for them and the surrounding world. Most importantly, I am learning to love myself more and more, feeling grateful for who I am.
Embracing the Challenges
There is a dark side that accompanies me all the time, challenging this feeling of self-love and acceptance. Sometimes my mind takes over, and the universe tests me with various probes to check if I am sure that I love myself. In the early stage of my journey, I would completely revert, forgetting this magical state. However, the more I worked on myself and progressed, the fewer moments of doubt or challenges occurred, as proving myself and reminding myself is less and less required.
All of this may sound strange coming from a serious IT project manager. It was strange for me as well, especially when viewed from my previous perspective. Allowing myself (an Eastern European bloke) to feel was something that I had to enable, learn, and consciously practice. It may sound very strange and even sad, but I observed the same approach to love as I used to have with patients, colleagues, and many people around me.
My life continues, and while everything may seem the same on the surface, it is different because my perception has changed. My starting point is not always logic but often what I feel.
I wish everyone could experience this feeling of self-love at some point in their life. It is a transformative journey, and I am living proof that it is possible.
